I went on vacation a few weeks ago. Like a real, relax and chill vacation. I was only gone for 7 days but it’s been a rough transition back to my every day life. On vacation I had an epiphany of what life could be like. I felt confident. Wore clothes I wouldn’t normally wear — shorts and swimsuit. I was done eating when I was done eating. Food did not haunt my dreams. I didn’t feel desperate for dessert. I felt as close to free from food and body restrictions as I may have ever felt in my life. It was INSANE.
Now I definitely want to acknowledge that it is a serious privilege to go on vacation. To have the monetary resources and ability to take time off work. With that being said, vacations in the past have not always been so wonderful for me. And have almost resulted in relapse. Being away from home and away from the known in your everyday life is having to let go of control — a hard task for many people let alone those with eating disorders.
This time when I was away I was able to let go of stress I had been holding on to for quite some time. My goal post vacation is to incorporate more of an easy going vacation mindset into my everyday life. I recently figured out with the help of my therapist, that I equate worth with difficulty. If something is really hard or painful than it must be valuable. But life doesn’t have to be so hard all the time. There can be value in ease and quiet moments. Here are some examples of what I’m talking about:
Forcing myself to do at least half an hour of strenuous exercise everyday (even when I don’t feel like it)
Worrying excessively about interpersonal issues I cannot control
Trying to eat “perfectly”
Saying yes to everything
Always getting my dog Panza 2 hour long walks a day
However, when it comes to issues that make life difficult such as racism, sexism, heterosexism, classism, ableism, and ageism (I know I’m leaving some out) it is definitely not a matter of letting go. These are the issues we need to worry about, rather than the size of our bodies or folds in our stomachs. In order for me to have space to fight for issues related to inequality, I have to let go of the little ways I am making life hard for myself.
Displaced Housewife’s olive oil chocolate chip cookies are a serious win. She uses bread flour, which I didn’t have when the whim struck to make cookies. I substituted whole wheat flour which I feel did a wonderful job of creating structure in the cookies and adding another depth of flavor.
And my dear friend Laura made the ice cream! It was an awesome match with the cookies. Thanks Laura 🙂
Olive Oil Chocolate Chip Cookies – recipe adapted from Displaced Housewife
1 1/2 cups flour
1 1/2 cups whole wheat flour
1 teaspoon baking soda
2 teaspoons baking powder
1 teaspoon sea salt
1/2 cup sugar
1 1/2 cups brown sugar
2 eggs, room temperature
1 tablespoon vanilla
1/2 cup olive oil
1 stick butter, room temperature
3 cups dark chocolate chips/chunks (I used some chocolate chips and a bar of Theo chocolate)
Preheat oven to 350 degrees.
Beat butter and olive oil in stand mixer till light and fluffy. Add brown sugar and white sugar and beat 1 to 2 more minutes.
Add eggs one at a time and mix till fully incorporated. Add vanilla.
Add all dry ingredients and mix till just combined.
Add in chocolate and do another stir.
Chill dough if desired and then bake 10-12 minutes.
Vanilla Ice Cream — recipe adapted from David Leite
1 1/4 cups whole milk
1 tablespoon vanilla
1 1/4 cups cream
2/3 cup sugar
4 egg yolks
Mix egg yolks, sugar, and milk.
Add mixture to medium saucepan and cook over medium heat till mixture thickens and coats back of wooden spoon. Add vanilla.
Strain and chill 4 to 6 hours. Press plastic wrap over top of custard so film does not develop.
Stir cream into custard and process according to ice cream maker instructions.